i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
