Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
