we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
