just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
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He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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