too bad you live with your parents still
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
