dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
