I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
