Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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