meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
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Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
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Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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