i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
