Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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