Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
