I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....