remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
