I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
