and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Can I color on your dick again?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
