My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
