I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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