Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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