i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
