So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
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i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
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we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Randomize