Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Another day, another engagement, another cat
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
