i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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