i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
