You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
