shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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