That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
