Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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