Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
