Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
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THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
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I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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