just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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