I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
