we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
