What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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