I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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