My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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