Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dignity is for republicans.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
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Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
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You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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