Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
