I wanna passion pit in your ass
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
