Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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