and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.