My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is