Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
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Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
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We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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