Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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