woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
