The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
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he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
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You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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