I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
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I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
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So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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