I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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