His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
