Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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