I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
