I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize